Calm Envy
by crazy-kuroneko
Summary: Fandom : The GazettE. Paiting : RukixUruha. Uruha had found his new life but one day Ruki sang that song which reminded him of his bad memories


**Title**: Calm Envy  
**Genre**: Romance, Angst  
**Type**:Oneshot songfiction  
**Pairings**: Ruki/Uruha  
**Rating**: PG  
**Warnings**: unbetaed!  
**Summary :** Uruha had found his new life but one day Ruki sang that song which reminded him of his bad memories. **  
Notes:** A request by my friend. This is my first song fiction, actually i really don't like this pairing but it's one-sided.  
Written in Uruha's POV and the italic words are translation of Calm envy by The GazettE

That afternoon, the sun seemed ashamed to show itself. The bright sky was gone. The white was going to fade, it looked like the rain would come. A wheelchair was turning into an old-fashioned building located on the roadside with a lot of people around it.

"What a crowded!" , said the man on the wheelchair with admiration. "I'm sure they are here to see you sing, Ruki?" , asked him as looking up to see the other one's face who was pushing his wheelchair, smiling with his plump lips.

"Maybe.." , he answered then smiled back.

It turned out that the building was a victorian cafe which was very elegant. There were so many people in there even there were a few of them didn't get chair to sit. Waiting someone to performed on the stage.

"Hey, Ruki has come!" , cried one from the stage. He was setting the sound system for the band which would perform that afternoon. "Ruki, what the hell are you doing there?! C'mon! It soon to be started!"

Ruki waved his hand toward the guy as a sign of just a minute away. Then he looked at the man in the wheelchair as if he was saying "Sorry, i have to leave you alone here.."

Then the man understood then replied "It's okay.." , he smiled sweetly. Before he left, Ruki gave a lovely kiss on his forehead. "You wait for me, okay.."

Ruki directly went onto the stage and held his microphone. Seen from the distance, he was trying the mic if it was working properly or not. When his eyes accidentally met Uruha's eyes who was staring at him, a little smile was curved in his face, so did Uruha.

Everyone were ready on their positions ; a drummer, two guitarists, bassists and of course Ruki as the vocalist on that afternoon. The drummer started the song, once the notes began to playing throughout the room, was accompanied by a relaxing guitar tune. Uruha's mind drifted to the past. The past which was so bitter and he didn't want to repeat it again ...

_I seem to sink into the sound of the falling rain.__  
__This promise is whose dream, who is this dream for?_

In the heavy rain that night, I ran out my tears. At that moment, I could not think anymore. Everything that had happened too heavy for me to admit and I could not believe that you've done that to me.

"Actually, what am i for you for this long time huh? You always say that you love me, but why?! WHY?!!!" , I shouted. "So, for you.. I'm just a doll who always comforts you?"

By saw your face, i knew how mad you at me. With everything you had done to me, I should the one who have the right to mad like that. But i shed my tears now. This rain was hiding it.

_I want to see all of you.I want to love all of you__  
__It's this way, isn't it?_

I'd always tried to be someone who was perfect for you. Gave you everything that you wanted from me even if it was my body and my soul.

"YOU DON'T HAVE ANY RIGHTS TO COMMENT ON WHAT I HAVE DONE!! THIS IS MY LIFE! WITH WHOM I FUCKED TODAY OR TOMORROW, IT'S NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS!"

My fingers tightened into fists as if I channeled all my anger into my fingers through his fingers._ How could you say that to me, Ruki? Don't you remember all sweet memories we had? You're not my Ruki. _

_When our hands are clutched together, there is this unknown scent coming from the opposite one._

Once you suddenly closed my eyes with a black cloth and took me away some where.

"Ruki, where are we going?" , I asked at that time panicky.

"Calm down, honey... I'll bring you to the most beautiful place that you've ever seen."

At that time you seemed so happy when you were with me, if I was laughing with you.

Then you opened the tied fabric on my eyes. Asked me to see the beautiful expanse of sea in front of our eyes. Golden red sky. Above the wooden jetty where I sit now was decorated by the candles with red flames that you deliberately set. Like you said, this was the most beautiful place I had ever seen.

You came back with a sweet smile decorated your face, bigger then the previous and you were hiding your arms behind your back.

"What are you holding huh?" I asked, glancing curiously like a kid.

You kept trying to hide it and asked me to close my eyes. I obeyed your words and always so..

Soon you told me to open my eyes again. Slowly I opened my eyes and then I knew what you have brought earlier. A small chocolate cake decorated with my favorite strawberry complete with 24-shaped-candles above it. "You think I'm a kid huh?", I joked.

"Otanjyoubi omodettou, ore no suki na hito ..." Suddenly you kissed my lips.

Then I sliced my birthday cake and before I did that I'd made a wish. I wished I would always be with you like now. Sharing both my laughter and sorrow to you.

Instead of eating the cake well and correctly, you actually made a line on my face with your cake. Then silently you kissed me again. Your soft lips were playing over my lips. Your tongue was adventuring inside me.

Your hands also came to play on every part of my body. Giving your passion to me. We merged into one.

"Suki dayo..." , you said as kissing my body.

I love you too, Ruki ...

_Although I can breathe normally,I seem to crumble eventually.__  
__If you could love me deeper than just those words. I could believe you standing before me.__  
_  
But happiness was just for a moment..

The time passed quicker and quicker as I was getting to know you completely, about everything you did both in front of me and behind me.

I'd knew it that everything was too different. Those words were just metaphors which entertained you. Not only that, maybe both my love and body were just entertainments for you. Also the presence of me by your side which was my true happiness.

_The suddenly showing the past, the times we would touch, couldn't fill the fragile emptiness, floating on those tears.__  
__Although I find comfort in this peace, You, who are beside me, are breaking from my side._

But I didn't want you to know that I'd already knew that you didn't want me anymore, didn't want to be bound by me.

I'd tried to remember all of our beautiful memories so I could survive but that's all useless.

I didn't want you feel uncomfortable if you were still with me, but.. I couldn't imagine my life without you.

_I want to see all of you.I want to love all of you__  
__The answer is drowning in a smile._

But why did not you be honest with me, Ruki?  
I just wanted you to do that ... because I wanted to see the real you, not Ruki who was always lying to me Although it felt so torturing to smile.

_You don't love the everyday shadow, when it was lost.__  
__We carry those bounds that I cant let disappear__  
__Even though I threw those words at you, if you could love me__  
__I could believe only you, standing before me._

I knew you'd realized it that I could not be the same. The happiness was difficult to come over me because  
I'd shut myself. I wondered what would happen between us.

Then at that night, you proved that you'd not loved me anymore. In front of my eyes. At the most beautiful place which you gave to me. You shared your smile, your lips, and your body to to someone else. Like you'd done to me. With that beautiful sea, candles which always lit us and the cake you said as a special cake for me.

You let me ran alone in the hard rain that night.

Forgot about words i always whispered on your ear while you're sleeping on my side.. "In this world, I just have you, Ruki.."

_  
__The suddenly shown the past, hurts every time you touch me. I want to love you to my inner emptiness. Because I won't let you notice how I wipe my tears. There's nothing else to laugh about in front of me._

Without I noticed, this hurt was killing me.

I didn't know how long you'd left me alone, waiting for your return, Your words, on that night, that I didn't have any rights for comment on you were piercings my chest until I forgot how to breath.

I just wanted to love you from my deepest heart. I knew that I could not be so selfish to you. I could not fly again with your beautiful words because I'd not deserved for you anymore..

_It's not the two of us, concealing this means the goodbye__  
__How I wish it to be us together crying at this farewell_

On the night you left, Gold told me and made me more convince that I really didn't deserve for you. Now, I wasn't as perfect as before. I was just a lame man on his wheelchair. Was conferred this weak body from God, which had to go to hospital once a week for dialysis.

Every time I looked at my helpless legs which caused by that accident, I remembered you. What were you doing? Did you happy?

I wanted at least you came back to me. Not to be mine again but to hear my goodbye if the time had come.

_More thinking back bout it, I would like you to forget And put me in this empty space. Don't chase those long passed days.__  
__Don't leave anything any more that what's already left __  
_  
I was so happy you'd came, Ruki when I didn't have any strength to open my eyes anymore. When this body had became one of hospital equipments.

"Don't leave me, Uru.." I could hear that words were said by you as your tears were tracing from your eyes.

I didn't want to leave you too, but I begged you, please didn't forget me. Save me somewhere in the edge of your heart.  
_  
__At least...__  
__I hold onto this goodbye, as I fall asleep.__  
__And the falling heat vanishes like tobacco.__  
__The days that won't return, the person I loved. __  
_

*********

The visitors stood and applauded for Ruki's performance which was so perfect that afternoon. It was a big smile radiated by Ruki as well as Uruha. The cloudy sky had been disappeared as well as their sorrow memories which they had forgotten.

Ruki moved his lips without a sound, talking to Uruha from the distance "Aishiteru..."

Smiles and laughter had came back to their life after Uruha recovered from his coma.

Ruki went down from the stages then walked toward Uruha, the one he loved. In his right hand, he's holding a handkerchief then he gave it to Uruha. In the folds of the handkerchief, there's Ruki's handwriting. After Uruha read it, he smiled back to Ruki then curling his hands around Ruki's neck, kissed him gently as a thank because Ruki had been with him again, loving him like before. No. More than before.

_Dear, my beloved, Uruha..._  
_I want you to forget everything in the past__  
__Erase it from both of your mind and heart__  
__'Cause I will never leave you or be left by you... __  
__I want share my life just with you. __  
__Because my life is your life. __  
__And I'll do anything as long as we can be together like now 'til forever...__  
__I love you. __  
Ruki_

Author Notes :  
I'm sorry for my bad english, i'm not native speaker and it's unbetaed  
I hope you enjoy it. Comments are love


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